Have you heard of the “terrible twos”? What about a “threenager”? Twos can be hard as your child is learning to communicate and express what they want or need. But age three is also challenging because this is when children really start to experience emotions and feelings. They are trying to adjust and manage them which usually results in lots of emotional highs and lows. Most of the struggles kids have at this age is controlling these huge feelings and emotions. As they grow they experience more emotions and need to find healthy ways to manage them.
The best way to teach kids to learn about feelings is to model appropriate responses in a healthy way. Show your child how you are feeling in certain situations and talk through how you overcome and deal those feelings. Encourage your child to do the same, talk through situations and deal with the emotions, don’t avoid them. Praise the process and their expressions and correct them towards a healthy path. Talk about ways to work through feelings and behave in appropriate ways.
My kids, ages 6 and 5, can really struggle with emotions. Since I am around them 24/7 I am becoming more aware just how much they feel and need help to express in healthy ways. We are home more often than we used to be and they have become comfortable in that environment. Recently when we have gone to social events, no mater the size, there has been some trepidation, some high expectations and a few outbursts. I have come to realize that I am missing the lead up emotions that bring about the outbursts. Once I can realize the feelings and emotions my littles are having I can help calm and ease their minds. My biggest goal is to work on that communication so I can problem solve earlier.
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The Basic Emotions
If you were to think about the most basic emotions you could look to the Disney movie Inside Out; joy, disgust, sadness, anger, fear, and happiness. It’s easy to process through happiness and joy and to see it in your children. It is a little harder to work through fear, sadness, anger and disgust and even harder to distinguish in someone else.
When I look at my child laughing with friends and playing on the swings I can easily determine they are experiencing happiness and are joyful. They are smiling, laughing and enjoying themselves. I love the sound of that joy. 10 minutes later when they are yelling or fighting with a sibling and then crying as a result of a fight I am not as quick to determine what is wrong. I need them to express thier emotions so I can distinguish between disappointment, anger, sadness or hurt. Disappointment and anger often look similar when my daughter clams up or gets aggressive. Emotional hurt, anger and sadness also look similar in my son when he moves to a corner and pouts with clenched fists. This is when I usually start asking questions which can overwhelm them further making it more difficult to process. Most often I usually get frustrated or angry myself which never helps.
Teaching Emotions and Feelings
The best way to teach emotions and feelings is to label them while you or your little is feeling them. If the emotion is too intense try calming down and then talking about the feelings afterwards. Having recently gone through the emotion will help your child associate a name with clear picture of the feeling. Talk about emotions often. Talk through the hard ones. Give advice on how to behave while processing and coping. Praise them for finding solutions.
My daughter has always had a hard time expressing herself when upset. To be honest I have never been the best at expressing myself either. My daughter clams up and cries, or gets aggressive and hits. Both situations are hard to work through when she is not willing to communicate. When she was three or four and upset I would calm her down and read through “In My Heart: Book of Feelings”. As we read I would ask her if she was feeling any of the feelings the book describes until we found what feelings she was working through. It wasn’t the most effective way to communicate but it allowed us to get close, cuddle and calm down. It also helped me talk through different emotions with her and how she could cope with them.
Identifying emotions and feelings with one another will help you and your child express what you are going through. It will aslo help you learn to read what the other is feeling as well. I want to be able to tell what my child is feeling, but it would be helpful if they could read too. If they could see when I am getting frustrated or angry by their behavior it would be amazing if they could respond with changes before I get overwhelmed or upset. Wouldn’t that be amazing!! In order for us to work towards that I need to express my feelings with my children so they can see the example of open communication and expression of feelings. My hope is that after we have a good grasp on emotions and feelings it would also translate to being able to read siblings and friends emotions making playtime more pleasant.
Remember as you are experiencing emotions and feelings your children are watching. When you get angry and yell they are learning how to respond when they feel the same way. Recently my daughter has responded to her brothers bothering her the same way I have in the past. She will yell “stop” at her brothers when they are playing loudly or she needs space. I have been guilty of yelling “stop” at my kids when they are pestering or making non stop sound while I am trying to get something done or talk to another in the house. Nothing shows you your own bad behaviors than watching your child do the same thing! I have since tried to correct myself and calm the environment before I get so overwhelmed that I have an outburst. Now I can see it is harder for her to change this behavior because she saw it modeled by someone she looks up to, me. I have to correct my behavior and responses to stress and conflict so she can see the actions through modeling and then communicate the changes to her.
Acknowledge a Child’s Feelings
When your child is upset and feeing strong emotions it is important not to minimize them. I know I am guilty of this and it is something I am really tying to work on. My son feels strongly many times throughout the day. He often gets his feelings hurt by someone in the house and gets upset. I struggle being patient with that because it happens so frequently. By saying, “Stop crying” or “It’s not a big deal” I am teaching him that his feelings are wrong. But all his feelings are OK, I just need to help him process through them.
Now when he gets upset I try to help him work through the issue. Typically it is a small unmet expectation that I can help meet or help change his mindset so he can move on. It takes a few extra minutes of attention and care from me that I am happy to give. His love an appreciation from solving his problem is also very heartwarming. When he gets upset I try to help him name his emotion. He often pouts, crosses his arm and sits quietly and I need to get a name on his emotion to help him work through it. Whether you think your child is mad, sad, frustrated, embarrassed, or disappointed it is helpful put a name to it. Once we have a label I try to figure out what has caused the issue to understand why he is feeling the way he is. Provide empathy for the emotional response to the issue and show you understand the situation with support. If necessary offer to help correct the situation. I often ask him to come to me or dad when he needs help so we can assist when needed or show him how to accomplish the task on his own. This usually clears up the issue immediately and he is on his way.
If your child gets upset work to help calm them down before talking. Once they are calm and relaxed talk about the situation:
- What happened?
- What was expected and didn’t turn out?
- Ask questions of what they think would make them feel better next time?
- How to keep them from getting angry?
- What steps could we take to help the situation?
Each child is different and it may take a little trial and error to get communication flowing. Work with them and try new ways to communicate being open and honest. This will show them they look inward to processes and work through feelings on their own as well.
Teach Your Child How to Cope
Your child may feel emotions intensely, but that doesn’t mean intense feelings need to control them. We can teach our children to control themselves when they are upset and learn to calm themselves down. I am not an expert at coping , it is something that takes me time and effort. So I know it will take work and time to teach my children to cope as well. Here are suggestions I have found through therapy, research and trial and error.
When your child is in a bad mood or feeling down sometimes kind words or a hug will cheer them up. I know extra cuddles and hugs can work around here. When your child is feeling scared or discouraged motivation from a loved one or a parent can help. My husband has a few mantra’s he tries to instill in the kids when they are having a tough time. He is trying to encourage a positive mindset when up agains a challenge. Here are some of his faves:
- Berry’s never give up. When a child is struggling and wanting to give up he reminds them not to, and comes along side them to help.
- Be brave – When an activity sounds intimidating our son gets a little nervous. He can let those nerves take over and prevent him from even trying something. So we encourage him to be brave and try. He usually likes whatever we are encouraging and soon sees the fear was not needed.
- Be kind – kindness goes a long way. My husband encourages us to be kind to all.
Come up with some positive thoughts that are easy to remember and say them often to encourage your child when they are feeling down or negative.
Some other skills that can help your child cope in a hard situation are:
- Deep breathing. Teach your child to control breathing and breathe in slowly through the nose and out through the mouth. Repeat until they can calm down.
- Practice Counting. A good distraction from disappointment or anger is counting. Counting to 10, counting objects in the room are just a few mental tasks that might distract. We like to get our daughter to think of people she loves or love her and count them. This distracts and brings up positive thoughts.
- Take a break. Allow your child a brief time-out or space from a situation. Whether it is going to another room, sitting in another part of the room or walking outside. A little space from a tense situation can help a child process. Make it clear they can come back when they have calmed down or they are ready. This break would be different than a punishment “time-out” and they are not in trouble. They are choosing the break and how long it lasts.
- Have a calm-down kit. Have a box with favorite items that help your child calm down. Small activities, puzzles, small stuffed animals, pictures of loved ones or favorite memories, and soothing music are just a few things that can engage the senses and help manage emotions.
- Problem-solve. When your child is having a hard time accomplishing a task or having fun in a saturation work together to address the problem and come up with a solution. When my son can’t figure out how to open a snack package or toy he can get upset. We work on calming down and brain storm tools he could use to accomplish his task on his own. He often comes up with great ideas after he thinks of the situation objectively.
- Identify what makes them happy. Talk to your child about the things they like to do when they feel happy. Is it playing outside, reading a book, or singing favorite songs. Write those things down and tell them those are mood boosters. Next time they feel bad, encourage them to do one a mood booster to help cope with feelings.
Disciplining a Child When Emotions Are High
All children handle discipline differently. I have five kids under my watch daily and they all respond differently to discipline and correction. One child challenges my authority, tests if I will follow through, talks back and throws attitude around. One child responds to correction quickly but feelings will get hurt if it is too harsh. One listens well and hardly ever needs correcting and time in the corner, when needed, sets them back on course. One usually doesn’t listen at all to correction but will shift directions quickly when motivated to help another or apologize. And the last is too young, for now, ha.
When emotions are high and a behavior needs to be corrected it is is important to adapt your discipline and correction to the child’s needs. If I am lax or easy going with my daughter she won’t recognize the correction. She will take it more as a suggestion. She needs me to be firm and follow through. My son is more sensitive and needs me to correct him in gently, but I also need to verify that he has heard my direction and understands what I mean by it. I need to pause look him right in the eye and make sure we are both on the same page before moving on. If I were to come at either of my children in an aggressive manner while attempting to correct they would shut down and the situation gets more out of hand. We have seen time and time again when we are frustrated or angry and trying to change our kids behaviors it backfires. The combination of huge emotions and feelings in two people makes the entire situation a little crazy. We have also seen that if we take a second to calm ourselves and calm our child we can correct a behavior or action in a more pleasant fashion. The problem is remembering that when emotions are high for both of us.
Explain the Difference Between Feelings and Behaviors
It is important to learn to identify feelings so that when a child is having strong feelings we can distinguish them from their behaviors. Children need to learn to express their emotions in a socially appropriate manner so their behavior does not suffer. When my daughter is feeling nervous or anxious she often gets irritated and angry when questioned by well meaning adults or kids. Hitting a sibling or screaming loudly in a store would not be appropriate behavior to express her feelings. If we practice at home I can re-direct her to process or express her feelings through stomping her feet, clenching her fists or getting some space from the situation. This process will help her to behave more appropriately in public as well as at home. It is important to make it clear to our children that they have a choice in how they respond to uncomfortable feelings. Be clear that it is ok to feel intense feelings and emotions but we need to direct them into healthy and safe behaviors.
When you notice a poor choice in behavior try to name the root feeling that behind the behavior. Then when it comes time to discipline the behavior make it clear that you are not pushing the feelings they are experiencing but the behavioral response.
Avoid Reinforcing Emotional Outbursts
How we help our children work through emotions and situations have big effects on their responses. Some parents unintentionally set their child up for big outbursts. Myself included!! And it has taken years to recognize our mistakes. As you work through emotions it is good to try different tactics until you find what works best in your family. We have found a few tactics that work better than others with each child. Try your best to avoid the following situations and save yourself some trouble:
- Rewarding your child for calming down – If you give your child an incentive every time they pull it together, she may learn that bursting into tears is a good way to get something she wants.
- Showering your child with attention – While it’s important to offer comfort, make sure you don’t overdo it. You don’t want your child to learn that getting upset is the best way to attract your attention. We have fallen into this trap many times in our home. My husband will direct attention to our tantruming kid and it lasts for hours. If we safely ignore the tantrum until our child has calmed we can discipline the behavior and help process through the emotion.
- Helping calm your child constantly – It’s helpful to offer reassurance, but important to teach your child the skills needed to calm down independently so they can cope when you are not around. Especially when they are with friends or at school.
- Telling your child to stop crying – Telling your child to stop crying might make them more upset. When you get angry over crying they think they are doing something wrong, shutting down communication and sometimes making it worse. I have done this with my son and it is something I work at to keep from saying. Now I aim to reassure him and calm the tears.
- Labeling your child is sensitive – If you warn every teacher or person watching over your child that they are sensitive you may send a message to them that it is bad to feel big emotions. Kids are always listening and often overhear you talking about them with others. How you speak about your child has the ability to build them up or crush them. Keep it positive by saying things like, “My child feels big emotions.”
When to Seek Professional Help
If you and your child are continually struggling with emotions and managing them it may be time to get some professional help. A chat with your pediatrician can set you in the right direction. There could be an undiagnosed issue that is leading to extra struggles. If testing and lab work come back clear try checking in with a therapist or psychologist.
I check in with a therapist from time to time when life seems particularly hard. It was at one session my therapist suggested removing dairy from my daughters diet. After we removed dairy for a week her handle on emotions improved significantly. We have since determined that most milks irritate her and were the root of a lot of the coping struggle. We have also taken the children to chat with therapists after losses in the family to get some additional support and suggestions on how to cope with big emotions.
Managing feelings is something that will be worked on daily, for most of our lives. I know I am still working on my own mental state daily and I can only hope to set my kids up for success anther own journeys.