You have seen those memes where a mom is hiding in the pantry having a secret snack, or trying to use the bathroom and kids are trying to reach her under the door. Some days I feel like that mom!
How do I encourage my child to be independent?
Start introducing independence as early. Let your toddler play by them self and make choices throughout the day. Give them space to make believe and self entertain. Teach them how to get food, get dressed and take care of hygiene. Start slow and allow them more time to do these activities independently each day.
You want to be a parent who can leave the room, be able to use the restroom, take a phone call, make dinner uninterrupted or maybe even put another child down. Teaching your child independence will help you move towards having a little space to do simple tasks ALONE.
What is independence for a child?
Independence for a young child means they can self play, self entertain and be content without out mom, dad or a caregiver for a short period of time. Independence as a child gets older means they can make simple choices, dress themselves, be responsible for hygiene and get snacks or make small meals solo. As your household prepares and encourages child independence your children will learn and develop strong self esteems. When they enter teens they will be responsible for their area, take care of laundry and other house hold chores and make decisions.
The goal in our house is to grow our children to be independent in the home and outside the home with simple tasks, we want them to be able to entertain themselves and sometimes helping a sibling. In our family the children outnumber the parents so in order to keep ourselves from running ragged we need independent kids.
At what age do children play independently
Independence starts the second a baby is born. They once relied on mom for everything… and mom provided it happily. Once baby was born they still relied on mom, or dad or a caregiver for almost everything. But as your baby begins to explore the world around them independence grows. They start to roll towards things, crawl, walk and of course talk!
Help your baby grow their independence by allowing them to move around on the floor. Lay them on a blanket or play mat on the floor and watch as they begin to look around at toys, faces and sounds. Rotate between your baby laying on their back and tummy and if they begin to fuss or cry allow it to happen for a few minutes before picking them back up. Try the same activity later in the day or the next and allow baby to cry a little longer each time. When I tried this with my children they ended up shortening their cry time and finding something to look at all on their own, thus increasing their independence.
Help your toddler grow their independence by playing by themselves. You can be in the room maybe reading a book or working on the computer. Your toddler is playing solo with blocks or coloring quietly. Start out slow, allowing them to play for five to ten minutes before checking in. You can increase this time and work up to getting larger chunks of play time. They know you are nearby if needed. When you are comfortable with their ability to play solo with you in the room it is time to leave the room. Have them play in their room while you are in another room. Maybe cooking dinner or folding laundry. You can still hear them if they need help or get into trouble. But they will have a new sense of independence being allowed to play and use their creativity.
Knowing you child’s personality also comes into play when deciding how much independence they need. I have an introvert daughter and we can sense when she is feeling overwhelmed with people and needs to play by herself. Sometimes social play with her brothers can get frustrating when the script isn’t going as she wants. Usually a fight will break out and we split them up sending her to her room to play. As she has grown in her independence she starts to realize this need to play solo and will often wander to her room to play all on her own.
If your child is young or on the clingy side having them play solo may be a little scary. Independence gets easier with practice and as your child grows. You know them best, so take your time, adapt to their needs and with time you will have a child who runs off to play at school or daycare without looking back.
How do I teach my child independence?
Giving your child a little taste of independence can be as simple as letting them pick the blue or green plate for lunch. Allowing them to choose which shoes they wear to the park. It can also look like your child coloring a picture on their own or cleaning up after themselves without being asked. As you let them make more choices or give them space to be creative and responsible they will recognize independence and want more.
Independence starts small and grows as the child and adult feel more comfortable. Here are a few tips when introducing independence:
- Start slowly. Your child is used to being with someone all the time and trying to separate quickly will not give you the desired results. Sit side by side doing separate activities. Progress to doing separate activities at opposite ends of the table. Eventually you can get up and not be at the table at all. Empty the dishwasher, cook a meal. Soon you will be able to leave the room, try taking out the trash or using the restroom.
- Keep the play time short and build up time length with each successful attempt. Your side by side play may be five to ten minutes. Then maybe you can work at the table individualy for 20-30 minutes. The level of engagement your child has with the activity and their age will be factors as well. Coloring may take more or less time than playing with blocks depending on age, skill and imagination.
- Let your child solve problems on their own. If they are opening a box of crackers and struggle with the inner bag guide them with words, but allow them to figure it out. Encourage them and praise them as they solve the problem and they will be more likely to try on their own before asking next time they get stuck. Problem solving can be frustrating, we have found it helpful to help them think through the problem and talk through the steps once it is solved.
- Don’t stress mid play mess. I am one who loves a good organized room. But nothing squashes independence like mom rushing in trying to direct how play happens. We want to encourage solo play, which means they use their imagination as they see fit. Keep them safe, but let them be messy and clean it up together afterward. I have noticed my kids are a little less messy when they know they will be cleaning up afterward.
How can I encourage my child’s independence
All kids have different personalities. We have two really independent kids who love to figure things out and do things themselves. We also have child who doesn’t really care to figure something out, he has no problem asking for someone else to open a snack, help him get dressed or even brush his teeth for him. He takes his time doing an activity which usually results in mom rushing to help him finish and eventually taking over to finish for him. Recently we decided it was time for him to do things himself more frequently. Here are some ways we have encouraged his independence the last few months.
First we started a morning routine. After school was out and we didn’t have the morning rush to get out the door and to school with three kids in tow mornings became a little more intentional. Our routine now is to wake up, make breakfast, eat it, brush teeth, make the bed and get dressed. I put getting dressed last so if breakfast spills or if tooth brushing gets messy they still have a clean shirt! It took my son a few days to get used to the routine but now he knows the drill and complaining is to a minimum.
For a child getting dressed on their own can be a challenge. Our son often struggles with clothes being inside out, buttons, laces, knowing what is the front or back of a shirt or pants and which shoe is left or right. He will ask for help instead of trying to figure it out. Start slow! As it comes up we will slowly show him how turn a shirt right side out. Then we let him try a few times himself until he gets it and fill him with praise. We encourage him to tell everyone in the house what he just accomplished and he gets praise over and over. The same happened with figuring out buttons, which are tricky if you ask me. He most recently figured out buttons by picking out shirts that had large buttons and wearing button shirts everyday for a week. By mid week he was doing them himself and dancing all over the house to tell people. The remainder of the week he mastered his new skill and got quicker and quicker. He usually gets his shirts and shorts facing forward but needs correction occasionally. Shoes are our current learning focus. Currently he asks if his shoes are on the right side almost every time. (If you have any tips please share.)
Teaching your child to get their own snacks is huge! Ours are always hungry and if I let them I would be getting snacks for someone every five minutes. We started food independence by keeping snacks in a basket low in the pantry so they all can reach, even our toddler. We also have a lower drawer in the fridge filled with string cheese, carrot snack bags and fruit they can grab anytime. Surprisingly my toddler learned how to open the fridge last week on his own and he can reach his cheese in the drawer without even opening it… independence!
Earlier this month we taught our older kids (6 and 4) how to make PB&J sandwiches. They get all the supplies out themselves, they grab a stool to reach the counter and lay it all out. They spread jelly, peanut butter messily on bread and love the end results. They will even make mom and dad one if asked! It is quite cute to watch them get excited over something simple. The best part is the sandwiches they wouldn’t touch last week are now their favorite again because they made it themselves.
The biggest part of encouraging independence is allowing your child to do something themself. Encourage them and praise them if the task is challenging. Reward them with quality time and attention if they played solo for a period of time. Assign them responsibility once they have mastered a household chore and allow them to contribute to the household. Kids love to be recognized, praised and grow their responsibility. You will find that you love them being more independent as well.